Yesterday I was driving down the road and had to stop because there were so many butterflies over the road that I couldn't see where I was going. It was so surreal and yet totally magical.

I've lived in Colorado for about 10 years now and have never seen such a thing. It was beautiful. But is also made me think.

Of course, the biologist in me wonders why and where they came from (high levels of moisture this year and normal migration activity, or so I hear).

And yet another part of me rushes home to google "symbolism of butterflies." HA!

As you might guess, the "butterfly represents a time of change or that you are going through some type of transition in life — just as the butterfly goes through a metamorphosis in its lifetime, from caterpillar to winged beauty. A transformation could be happening to you, as well as a period of great creativity." (Source: PsychicLibrary.com)

Of course!

You see, last weekend, I attended a Warrior Goddess Woman workshop. It was a fabulous event (if you ever get the opportunity - don't think twice!).

I have been feeling a little stale, permissive, mousy, and burnt out lately. With my client load growing, school obligations starting, PTA President duties stacking up, ... I temporarily forgot RULE #1.

If mama ain't HEALTHY, ain't nobody happy. ;)

It only took me a moment to set myself straight though and in that moment, I got the invite.

Normally the fire walk ender would have made the entire event a "no go" - what else would they make me do that was scary and vulnerable?

But this time, there was very little doubt. And that meant EVERYTHING to me.

Re-Birthing

When I had my most recent mental breakdown a fews years ago, life was going great. My business was growing, my marriage was happy, my family was thriving, I was super healthy.

And then one by one, all of those pieces began to fall apart.

Life was suddenly really hard.

I eventually got so down-trodden. I became a victim in my own mind. I decided that so many bad things can't happen to one person in such a short time by chance. I must have done something wrong. Deserved it.

I had been trying so hard to get past another breakdown that had happened several years before that.

And I was doing it.

I had conquered and moved forward. I had pulled myself up and out and was doing so well.

Amazing really.

I was happy and healthy and everything about my life was going well.

So why was this happenening to me? I thought I knew what all the steps were. I had tools and systems, routines. And it was working.

So why? Why was this happening to me? Why was my life falling apart again.

What I didn’t realize in either of these situations, was that I was playing the victim. I didn’t know better. I was going to have persevere. Try harder. Work more. Do better. Change everything so that I could fix this mess I had found myself in once again.

It was so hard to accept
that my best was not good enough.

Recently things have being going well again. I have been working so hard on my personal and professional growth. Ducks were in a row. Stars were aligning. Life was good.

And then once again, I saw the pattern beginning to repeat itself. Of course, it starts small with a PTA “fire” that pulls me from work, or a leaky fireplace that makes me distracted. But the next thing I know, the distractions, frustrations, and dramas, were starting to eat away at my plan, routine, and soul.

One by one. Life was shifting. And the fear of my life going back to shit was terrifying. And yet it is very real.

True Growth

But one of the things I've realized lately through my study of the moon cycles and by watching the way my body and life interacts with the cycle, is that each month as the full moon approaches, life gets just a little bit harder.

Things restructure though and I come back stronger.

But that's the thing…the seasons of the moon are no different that the seasons of the year or various seasons of our lives. With each season, in order to actually grow. We really need to change on a fundamental level.

If you want to evolve, you can't take your entire old life with you and expect that you will be the only thing different in this future version of yourself because the way you show up in all of those interactions is now different. You have grown and expanded and evolved and all of those old pieces either fit in the new life or they don’t.

This does mean that in order to grow, we sometimes have to give up things. I know that sounds like sacrifice, and it is hard – especially for those of us who don’t like change.

The Will of Change

I hate change. I evolve at a snail's pace. Oftentimes I would seriously rather continue doing something that is familiar, even if it makes me miserable. I realize what I am doing to myself. But I can resist and dig in my heels for years, just so that I don’t have to change. It takes serious effort and determination (and a lot of personal pep talks) before I will embrace change. I’m really good at this pattern. But that doesn’t make it right or helpful.

And the truth is, when I give in to the change and I stop resisting, the change happens.

But whether I resist or not, it all happens for my own good.

Just like the butterfly and the cocoon – the caterpillar goes into a coccon and gets liquidated to mush and emerges a beautiful butterfly, that's what happens every time we evolve.

Every time we uplevel.

Every time we upgrade and grow and change and shift on a soul level, on a spiritual level, on a deep profound personal level...

That’s what happens. We undergo total reconstruction of our entire lives. And that is what is happening for me right now. And that is what is happening for you when you feel like you have been working so hard and succeeding and things are going to shit.

They're not. They don’t feel good, change is hard, change is uncomfortable. Going through that process can be extremely uncomfortable. You do have to get confortable with the discomfort. You have to sit back and trust the discomfort in order to be able to make those changes and shifts and move forward.

Butterflies Walking on Fire

Back to the firewalk – I posted these pictures of the firewalk

on social media right after the event and people asked me WHY!!?!?

Why would you do this? Was it on purpose? Why would you do this to yourself? How bad did it hurt? Are you crazy? Why would you put yourself through the pain and discomfort – what could you possibly gain from that sort of self-harm?

Right? You’ve probably been wondering the same thing.

But the truth is, it didn’t even hurt. I walked/danced 3 times across those coals. By the time I was done, I had 2 small spots that were stinging a bit. They were completely gone by morning.

My Why....and yours!

Why? Because before I walked, I was taught how to walk on those red hot coals. I was taught how to embrace that fire energy and become one with it.

The truth is, it was exhilarating and freeing. The real point of a fire walk is to see the power of thoughts, beliefs and stories.

One of the first things we are taught in life is that fire burns. It hurts.

We also learn that about change. Especially when we decide out of fear or because we feel like a victim.

When change is decided “for” us – we believe this change has to hurt. It has to be hard. It has to be painful.

But the truth is that is false. It is SO false.

Just like walking on fire is possible. I did it 3 times and watch 50+ other women do the same and we all walked away unscathed. We all walked away Empowered. Free. Liberated from our own prisons that we have created.

Your limitations are only in your head. You are not a victim. Things don't happen TO you. They happen FOR you. And the sooner we can accept that and embrace the change and embrace the shift, and embrace the restructuring the sooner we can all emerge butterflies.

Join the Tribe

You are SO not alone in your journey of self-discovery, growth, and change.

But I know it often feels that way.

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